Tigerstar's Many Loves
by Aroeheart
Summary: *AHEM* This is on hiatus, I'm not done yet. Jeez. This story discusses all Tigerstar's lovers, and the cats that weren't mentioned to have a relationship with him in the books, but really should. Contains spoilers. Told all by the all-powerful, wonderful Tigerstar himself.
1. Into Those Amber Eyes

**Hi, it's Aroeheart. Yes, I absolutely REFUSE to make Tigerstar feeling -less! I love za villains 3**

CHAPTER ONE- Into Those Amber Eyes

_Goldenflower_.

Her name hisses against my lips.

Just thinking of all that smooth, choppy fur, a sandy apricot color, smelling warm and milky, like she had never quite washed away the foamy white ring around her muzzle from suckling as a kit...makes me shudder. Her amber eyes, widely almond-shaped with dilated pupils like she was still a small newborn in the nursery, just emanating innocence. Yes, she was my first mate, who produces mixed feelings in me...for various reasons.

For instance, she has always been squealy and flaky, which, before my dominating days, was rather cute and entertaining to watch. I watched other warriors take advantage of her being slow at catching on, tying grass blades to her tail in her sleep and wondering how long it would take before she realized there was some extra weight to the rear. And when she did notice, all she did was laugh...sometimes not even bothering to fix whatever had disturbed her.

Goldenflower...Golden_paw_ then...was very small for her age, easily distracted by petty things such as butterflies flitting through the air, or a dandelion puff seed floating. She would often giggle at random things, sometimes at things that didn't even make sense, like the way Redpaw had no brown spots on one side but did on the other. She was a strange one, that Goldenpaw, optimistic and rarely made upset. Only in serious situations did her unaware cheeriness seem to lag back, her eyes stretching wide as fear welled up in her.

She was also a bit annoying. For two reasons...one: her un-warrior like personality, always talking about something else and sliding a conversation into something much less imporant. Patrolling the borders, if we catch a RiverClan scent on one of our trees, she starts babbling about flowers. Flowers! Seriously, she-cats can be irritatingly accustomed to she-catly things sometimes, but Goldenpaw...Goldenpaw was just plain horrific the way she changed the subject.

The second reason was because she had developed a kitty crush on me in our early moons. She would stare at me with those amber eyes of hers and follow me around like a sick puppy dog, gasping and beaming in delight whenever I turned to face her. I catch a mouse and carry it over to the prey pile, she shrieks and harps on how what a good hunter I am for the rest of the morning. Sometimes I would pray to StarClan to make it stop.

But one part of me liked this flakiness, this drowsy unawareness of what was going on around her, like she was trapped in a shell...a mystical world...that no cat else could enter. It mystified me. I wanted to find out more about her, stare past those amber eyes. She inspired me for my power. Even I, all-powerful dictator Tigerstar, have my soft days. There were times I could not bear the fact that I was betraying my Clan...and I would remind myself..._it's_ _all_ _for_ _Goldenflower_.

Even though I knew it wasn't true.

I knew in my heart that when I had gone against my Clan, I had gone against everybody...including my mate. Sometimes it burns to remember the desperate look on her face when it happened, when I had stood in front of my Clan smothered in bloody wounds, facing Bluestar's piercing words. Bluestar. The one I had been deputy to, the one I had served, digging the chill of exile into my being. Sometimes I seethe when I think about her ignorance, the refusal I endured from Darkstripe and Longtail and all the rest of ThunderClan...and sometimes Goldenflower, for sinking her claws in and sticking to her Clan instead of her mate that she loved.

I am also proud of the two kits Goldenflower and I had together...Bramblekit and Tawnykit. Bramblekit was a pure copy of me, missing only my scars. Tawnykit seemed too meager and affected to be a follower in my pawsteps, so I was determined to guide my son instead. My daughter, I thought, would be happier in a place she could always call home, and I didn't want to deprive her of that. But after a while, I began to realize that Bramblekit was a state softie, stuck to his Clan like a leech, like his mother had. It must be true that daughters inherit their genes from their fathers, because Tawnykit ended up being the one who joined ranks in ShadowClan with me. I could tell she was tired of cats basing her on my violent past, and I even felt a little sorry for her. That's when I thought up the brilliant idea of convincing her to join ShadowClan. No, she didn't just go off on her own, as I stated to the ThunderClan kitties who came sniffing at her trail...I planted the seed of her leaving, making her think she'd never be happy where she was. Could she have? Maybe, but that's not my problem. I think it was only fair that I got to keep one of our children, instead of Goldenflower confiscating them from me. Anyway, I relished the look on those ThunderClan cat's faces when they found out Tawnypaw had skipped off on her own...and not been catnapped.

But it stings a little to imagine the look on Goldenflower's face when she found out that Tawnypaw wasn't coming back.

The only spark of hope I saw in Bramblepaw was that he stood up strong instead of crumbling at the fact that his sister refused to return to her Clan, and that he managed to build up a pretty good flame of ambition in his belly once he became a warrior. Though Brambleclaw probably got his amber eyes from my side, when I look into them, I see the siftyness of Goldenflower's eyes, not mine, with the same almond shape. I also noticed that he has a tendency to flick his ears when he's sitting still in a restless sort of way, just like Goldenflower.

_Goldenflower_.

Flaky apprentice, cheery queen. My first mate and a cat I felt true love for. I might be the all-powerful Tigerstar, the one who craves nothing but ambition, but I have let you on a little secret...I have a weakness for dumb, clueless, apricot queens, and for wide-set amber eyes.

**I tried to stick with Tigerstar's personality in this one but still portray that he has actual feelings. Oh well. R&R.**


	2. The Strange Rogue

**Like I promised on my profile, the next chapter is about Sasha! Take note that I'm not making many references to the Sasha manga, so things might go a little differently on how they meet and stuff. And Sasha isn't originally a kittypet in this story, either. I think it just sharpens her personality this way. Yes, I know she has blue eyes, but green eyes fit her better. **

CHAPTER TWO  
><span>The Strange Rogue<span>

My first mate, Goldenflower, was much different than this one. Goldenflower was naive and cheery, a she-cat who didn't seem to mind a lot of things that were to be minded and basically had no bad bones in her body. This honey sweetness is what made me love her. Through all the bad times, all the struggles, she tried her best. She might not have always succeeded, but that didn't matter to her. I had felt a fierce protectiveness for her in the days when we were still together. She was so naive that I trusted many toms to take advantage of her good looks and ditzy attitude. I couldn't let that happen to her. It's such a saddening thing that, if you consider the truth, it was really me who was taking advantage of her.

But Sasha was anything but naive.

I remember when I first met her. Times were dark for me and I knew it. I had betrayed my home Clan and was now scheming with ShadowClan to take over the forest. I still hungered for power. This is most likely the courtesy of my fool father, Pinestar, for neglecting my mother and her only kit for a soft kittypet life. My mother was sick and I barely got any attention, which is mainly why I had such a starvation for it. I know I'm only making accusations, but that's my theory. It wasn't neccessarily that things were going wrong (in fact, they were going perfectly), it was that I felt so burdened with guilt. You might scoff. The almighty, stone-hearted Tigerstar? Guilty? Well, it's the truth. The undeniable truth. Not a theory. I had left my mate stranded, scarred the leader who had so much faith in me for life, left my kits like my father left me, and was basically doing everything evil that I could possibly handle with all four paws. My main pinpoint of guilt was- very predictably, Goldenflower.

I would try and snag her back, but there are three reasons why I couldn't. One- she was naive, but she wasn't completely dumb. She wouldn't take me back even if I canceled my plans and came back to ThunderClan with a changed heart (which wouldn't be possible anyway since Bluestar exiled me). Two- even if I succeeded getting her back as my mate, I don't think the ShadowClan cats would accept her. Three- going back to ThunderClan would probably get my tail ripped off. But anyway, I was still in love with her. But I knew those days were over, and Goldenflower and I would never be the same.

You might think it would be easy to find another cat. Since I didn't want to be a traitor again, my choices were limited to ShadowClan she-cats. Not to be stereotypical, but all the ShadowClan she-cats were either old, skanky, or just plain uninteresting. And I'm not the type of tom who gets over a lost mate that quickly. But I still wanted a she-cat I could relate to. Or relate to Goldenflower. There just didn't seem to be many she-cats in the _forest_ who were like Goldenflower. I just needed a ShadowClan she-cat with light fur, amber eyes, who was flaky and optimistic- a duplicate of Goldenflower. Was that too much to ask? 

Apparently, it was. I had tons of bright feminine eyes looking up at me with admiration and yet there was nobody I had a true love for. I decided to leave the "identical copy of Goldenflower" technique and search for the type I liked second best- fiesty she-cats.

I want you to know that I wasn't actually scrounging for a mate replacement. I just was hoping for someone that I kind of liked, and maybe we could work our way up to being mates. I like to take things slow. It is a very catlike thing to jump into a relationship and to be in it for the lust, but I wasn't like that. That's another trait I wished for- the ability to love and not to just live for the kit-producing part.

I did find a few cats that possessed a few of these qualities, but they lacked knowledge and love. They wanted to be the mate of the almighty Tigerstar for the power. I'm a little more intelligent than my former mate and I know when I'm being taken advantage of. I started taking breaks from my evil planning and taking brisk walks in the forest. Not very tomlike, but it was relaxing.

On one particular walk, I sorted out a scent from the typical musty foresty smells, one that I recognized from earlier life. It was rogue scent. I'd been a rogue before, and I'd memorized everything about it. There had been reports of rogue scent for the past few sunrises, and I had been determined to be on the lookout for the perpetrator of this heinous crime. I couldn't stand for an outsider setting paw on my territory, so I hunted down the scent until I found myself nose-to-nose with a scraggly, tawny-furred and surprisingly attractive she-cat rogue.

When I saw the look in her piercing green eyes, I knew I'd made a major discovery. She was the she-cat I'd been looking for. She was fiesty, she was beautiful. I knew I was breaking the rules by merely thinking of her as my mate, but I was the leader, and the to-be ruler of the forest- why did I have to obey rules?

She evidently didn't have the same feelings I had. I took one step closer and I had four stinging claw marks on one cheek. Fiesty, all right, and it just made me more interested. My past mate had been the complete opposite of this one. I felt new feelings. Feelings I hadn't explored. I might move up fiesty she-cats tying for first with naive she-cats.

The tawny-colored rogue snapped me out of my thoughts by swiping at my face once more, her claws almost meeting with my nose. "Don't try anything," she hissed threateningly. "I don't feel like getting nagged by a Clan-cat. And if you bring any of your warrior buddies back here, I'll shred you to bits."

I couldn't help but laugh. "I'm not going to attack you," I said, sounding happier than I had in moons. "In fact, I was just leaving. But first- what's your name?"

The rogue didn't warm up to that statement completely, but I did see her muscles relaxing. "Sasha," she spat. "Former barn cat. Ran away as a kit because I couldn't stand the soft life."

So she'd been a horseplace cat- (I knew the word "barn" because I'd also been a rogue)- but I knew that this was the start of a new era. A new life for me. I could start over fresh with a new mate.

"I'm Tigerstar," I said. "Leader of my Clan, and usually not willing to let rogues go. But I'll be willing to let you go." I could see the happiness in her eyes. "If you promise to come see me tomorrow."

Sasha snorted. "Why would you want to see me? So you can bring the whole forest in an unfair battling match?"

I waved my tail at her. "I'm interested in you. Meet me in this spot." I twitched the bleeding scratch marks on my cheek. "Next time, bring your claws sheathed."

I could see the tiniest trace of joy on her face. She was proud too; she turned around as soon as I noticed. "I'll come...if I want to," she replied haughtily, then slunk furtively into the bushes.

So I had broken the rules; defied the warrior code. I'd done that before. Doing it again wouldn't make much difference. Besides, when I was ruler of the forest, I would make my own rules. The Clans would be glad when I made life easier for them by slackening some of the warrior code. Right now, though, evil plans were second, Sasha was first. I was happy that I had someone to talk to. Maybe she would be my mate, if I got lucky.

Well, since my luck in later life wasn't so sky-high, perhaps my luck in earlier life was. Because every day we saw each other following that day, Sasha liked me more and more. It was the same with me- the more I saw her, the more I forgot about Goldenflower. The pain was eased. Who knew a fiesty she-cat could be a healer?

Even though it was obvious now that we were more than just friends, I still wasn't planning to go too far. But there are even times when I am foolish. I guess we got carried away, and before I knew it, Sasha was expecting kits. When I told her I wasn't supposed to have kits with outsiders, she looked at me like it was my fault. It was, but I, as you've observed, don't like to take the blame. I was still happy in a way. I wondered if any of my kits would join ShadowClan and grow up to be as successful as me.

I knew deep down that it wouldn't be right to raise the kits to be all-powerful and...well, evil, so I planned to let Sasha do most of the raising. This is the case in the Clans anyway...most fathers don't pay the slightest attention to kits until they're out of the nursery...and by that time, their personalities have already developed and they've already been taught what's wrong and what's right. I wanted to raise them like Clan cats, to learn the ways of the warrior code (in the places where it wasn't going to be changed).

Sasha meant a lot to me. Maybe she's the reason that my plans didn't go perfectly, because I was so distracted- and perhaps that's a good thing, I think as I sit down here in the endless darkness. A grudge has built up in me, mainly for Scourge and Firestar, and myself. I brought this on myself, being down here, but I also was angry because I didn't succeed. It's like my whole life was a waste. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had another chance to live a good life. I would go back to Goldenflower- or would it be Sasha? I don't know anymore. I love them both so much it's impossible to choose. Even though I am still, yes, quite evil, there is the most miniscule sliver of me that wishes I could be a good cat. One that's glad that I hadn't succeeded. If I had, I know I would've brought terror to many cats.

So I thank Sasha for this. She might've ruined the plans of my whole life, but it doesn't really matter. I'm the one who fell in love with her fierce attitude, the creamy color of her fur, her emerald green eyes- the way her ears turned sideways when she was scared, the way she never accepted help even when she really needed it, the way she was sometimes so stubborn she seemed like a kit. It's really my fault. My whole life. Well, it's mostly my father's fault. If he had stayed, maybe my life would have gone differently.

But then I wouldn't have met Sasha. I would still be with Goldenflower, which is good, but what about Sasha? It hurts knowing that when she found out I was evil, she left me with the kits. It stung when Tadpole drowned, even from down here, but I'm grateful that Hawkfrost and Mothwing became Clan cats, like I wanted them to. At least I can cherish that. I can cherish knowing that she made one part of my life where I was miserable a great portion of my life.

Even down here, where you're supposed to be evil, I can think about my true loves. When I'm not scheming, I often do. Lots of times I think about Goldenflower, but mostly I think of Sasha. The way her whiskers stuck straight out, the way she put one paw on top of the other when she was sitting, her unusual love for water, how she loved the taste of rabbits more than anything else, and the way she said, "Tigerstar, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, by far."

I'm Tigerstar, and I'm evil. But I can still love. I loved one fiesty cat for part of my life, and still do, and that's good enough for me.

**R&R.**


End file.
